Savage Love

Oct. 18th, 2017 09:18 am
[syndicated profile] savagelove_feed

Posted by Dan Savage

Parental Controls by Dan Savage

My only child is 16 years old. He was curious about sex from a very young age and very open with me, so his interest in sexual matters gave me ample opportunity to talk with him about safety and consent. He went through a cross-dressing phase when he was small—mostly wanting to wear nail polish and try on mascara—and I felt like I navigated those waters pretty well, but his father made attempts to squelch those impulses. (He and I are divorced. He has since remarried and is less involved.) That's the background. I've always accepted that he is who he is and done my best to help guide and educate him. Then last year, I caught him trying to shoplift a pair of panties. I'm not the sort of mom who freaks out, but I made him put them back and talked to him about his actions. When I asked him why he stole them, he refused to tell me. I asked: "Did you want them to masturbate with? Did you want to wear them?" He said he wanted to try them on. I told him that if he wanted to explore, he needed to do that with a legal purchase and in the privacy of his own room. Today, I found a girl's bra in the laundry. He says he doesn't know whose it is or how it got there, but this isn't my first rodeo. What on earth do I do? If I send him to a therapist and this is about being trans or cross-dressing tendencies, I'm afraid that will shame him. However, this is now something of a criminal/ethical concern, and I want to nip that in the bud. He is in every way a wonderful human: kind, smart, funny, athletic, no drugs. Is this just the same kid who has always been curious about sex? Or are these warning signs of some sort of sexual deviance? Please help.

Mom In Sleepy South Carolina Lovingly Educates Offspring

Take a deep breath, MISSCLEO, or take two—take however many you need until you're back in touch with your inner mom, the one who doesn't freak out.

Your son may be a cross-dresser or he may be trans or he may find bras and panties titillating because women wear them and he wants to sleep with women (not be one). (Lots of gay boys are titillated by jockstraps—but a closeted gay boy can collect 'em all without freaking out his mom.) We can't know whether your son is a cross-dresser, trans, or merely titillated, MISSCLEO, but he's clearly exploring and wants to do so privately. So while he could go to his mom and ask for a pair of panties and let her know exactly how he intends to use them, he doesn't want to ask his mom for a pair of panties or share his uses for them with his mom. He knows you've always accepted him for who he is (but a reminder never hurts), so if this is about his gender identity, well, you'll have to trust that he'll share that with you when he's ready. But if this is about a kink, he may never share that info with you, because why on earth would he? Kinks are for sharing with lovers, not mothers.

Give your son some space, including the space to make his own mistakes. As teenage misbehavior goes, swiping a single pair of panties isn't exactly a crime spree. If you suspect he snuck into the girls' locker room and made off with a bra (there has to be an easier way for a guy to get his hands on a bra!), you'll want to address that with him—not the "Why do you want a bra?" part, but the risk of getting caught, suspended, expelled, or worse. There are too many prosecutors out there looking for excuses to slap the "sex offender" label on teenagers—especially in the Bible Belt.

My hunch is you don't have a sex offender on your hands or a kid drifting into organized crime. You have a slightly pervy teenage boy who's curious about sex and who may, like millions of other men, have a thing for women's undergarments. You should emphasize the Not Okay–ness of shoplifting panties from stores or stealing bras from classmates (or the siblings of friends or Laundromats or thrift stores) and the possible consequences should he get caught—theft charges, suspension/expulsion, losing friends, coming into the sights of a sex-negative prosecutor. (Seriously: A man like Harvey Weinstein gets away with assaulting women for decades, but prosecutors across the country are throwing the book at teenagers who got caught sharing pics they took of themselves with their BFs/GFs/NBFs.) But otherwise, MISSCLEO, I'm going to advise you to back the fuck off. Your son knows you love him, he knows he can talk to you about anything, and he'll confide in you if and when he's ready—if, again, this is something he needs to discuss with you at all.


My father passed away suddenly. I had a very idyllic childhood and was close to my father and my mother (who is also deceased). Upon sorting through my father's stuff after his death, I stumbled upon his erotica collection. If it were just a stack of Playboys, I would have thought nothing of it—that's just men being men. However, his collection contained material that was quite disturbing to me, including photos depicting violent sexual acts and fictional erotica books and magazines with themes of incest. Additionally, there were letters from people with whom he was obviously having extramarital affairs, including during the time that I was a child and believed that we were a "normal" family. Since discovering this, it has been hard for me to come to terms with it and think of my father in the way that I used to. I can barely stand to look at a photograph of him. I consider myself to be a sex-positive person, and I realize that even parents are entitled to be kinky, but I simply can't get over this. Any suggestions for how to deal with what I'm feeling and how to try to get past it?

Parent's Arousal Really Ended Nice Thoughts

Sex-positive, huh? Could've fooled me.

Your dad was a kinky motherfucker—you know that now—and if you've been reading Savage Love for a while, you'll know that lots of people are kinky and, distressingly, lots of people out there "enjoy" incest porn. "Of the top hundred searches by men on Pornhub," Seth Stephens-Davidowitz writes in his book Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data, and What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are, "sixteen are looking for incest-themed videos." And it's not just men: "Nine of the top hundred searches on Pornhub by women are for incest-themed videos." That's cold comfort, I realize, and it doesn't make it any less squicky, but your dad's tastes weren't as freakish as you thought and/or hoped.

As for his affairs, your happy childhood, and your suddenly conflicted feelings...

Your mother isn't with us, PARENT, so you can't ask her what her arrangement was with your father. But it's unlikely you would have had such an idyllic childhood if your parents' marriage was contentious and your mom was miserable about your dad's cheating and his kinks. It seems likely that your mom didn't have a problem with your dad's sexual interests or she tolerated them or—and I hope you're sitting down—she was an active and happy participant. (Kinky women weren't invented in a lab in San Francisco in 2008.) If your mom didn't have a problem with your dad's kinks (which she had to have known about) or his affairs (which she might not have known about), I don't see why they should be a problem for you.


On the Lovecast, Dan chats with the creator of a naughty, naughty game: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage

ITMFA.org

[ Comment on this story ]

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Daria

Oct. 18th, 2017 11:26 am

[Silmarillion] The White Tower

Oct. 18th, 2017 08:03 am
chestnut_filly: (Default)
[personal profile] chestnut_filly posting in [community profile] amplificathon
Fic: The White Tower by [archiveofourown.org profile] Anna_Wing
Reader: [personal profile] chestnut_filly
Cover Artist: [archiveofourown.org profile] thegreatpumpkin ([tumblr.com profile] brazenbells)
Fandom: The Silmarillion, J.R.R. Tolkien
Ship: Elwing/Eärendil, Elwing-centric
Rating: G
Warnings: Pretty much everyone in this story has been dead at some point, though they're, uh, better. Still dealing with their mostly violent deaths, though.
Reader's Notes: Best listened to with headphones. Music is the Introduction and Act 4 Finale from Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. Thank you so so much to Anna_Wing and Kelsi for, respectively, permission to record and the beautiful, amazing cover art! Thank you also to the mods who pulled this off wonderfully <3

Summary: Amrod and Amras, reborn in Valinor, come to see Elwing.



MP3 [107 MB, 1:17:34]
Podbook [109.6 MB, 1:18:34]

Podfic Post: AO3 | Dreamwidth
Art Post: tumblr

[ SECRET POST #3940 ]

Oct. 17th, 2017 06:42 pm
case: (Default)
[personal profile] case posting in [community profile] fandomsecrets

⌈ Secret Post #3940 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


More! )


Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 25 secrets from Secret Submission Post #564.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Ittoqqortoormiit

Oct. 17th, 2017 03:00 pm
[syndicated profile] ao3_cabin_pressure_feed

Posted by <a rel="author" href="/users/Damien/pseuds/Damien">Damien</a>

by

Douglas Richardson has never set out to intentionally hurt an undeserving person, but yet, here he is.

Words: 109, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 9 of Magnetic Course

Haskovo.

Oct. 17th, 2017 02:50 pm
[syndicated profile] ao3_cabin_pressure_feed

Posted by <a rel="author" href="/users/Damien/pseuds/Damien">Damien</a>

by

Martin Crieff is the kind of man who would manage to blame himself a million times before admitting that his initial thoughts might be right.

Words: 105, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 8 of Magnetic Course

Gimli.

Oct. 17th, 2017 02:35 pm
[syndicated profile] ao3_cabin_pressure_feed

Posted by <a rel="author" href="/users/Damien/pseuds/Damien">Damien</a>

by

The Sky God Douglas Richardson has never once been truly at a loss of words quite like this before.

Words: 103, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 7 of Magnetic Course

75 Shadowhunters Icons

Oct. 17th, 2017 01:44 pm
alexia_drake: Magnus looking cheerful in TV Series Shadowhunters (Shadowhunters)
[personal profile] alexia_drake posting in [community profile] icons
24 Magnus, 11 Alec, 7 Magnus & Alec, 6 Izzy
6 Jace, 11 Clary, 6 Jace & Clary, 4 Sebastian



- See the rest here -

75 Shadowhunters Icons

Oct. 17th, 2017 01:41 pm
alexia_drake: Magnus looking cheerful in TV Series Shadowhunters (Shadowhunters)
[personal profile] alexia_drake posting in [community profile] fandom_icons
24 Magnus, 11 Alec, 7 Magnus & Alec, 6 Izzy
6 Jace, 11 Clary, 6 Jace & Clary, 4 Sebastian



- See the rest here -
sunnymodffa: (Flippy)
[personal profile] sunnymodffa posting in [community profile] fail_fandomanon
 
The calcium and carbonate ions love the nucleus so much, they precipitate out of seawater just to be close to it!

New Rule updates:
-All US Politics must stick to one thread and that thread must be clearly labelled as such.
-For a wide variety of reasons, no deliberate variant fonts, no emoji in thread titles. You can use them in the comment, but not in the title.

All the [community profile] fail_fandomanon Rules and Information (and Ban Requests): http://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/1076.html. The short version: no embeds, don't out people's real names, don't be that much of an asshole, body fluids are off topic, Mods reserve the right to freeze, screen, and delete the fuck out of stuff. FFA discussion covers a wide variety of topics and has a very flexible view of 'fandom' that includes politics, current events, and cooking techniques. FFA is a Choose NOT to Warn experience. Meme away.

Other posts and resources relevant to your interests:

NB: Meme rules do not require spoiler cuts/white-text/etc. Though, if you want to use spoiler cuts, a wonderful nonnie found a way to add them to DW. Just use the code below.
<div tabindex="-1"><b>spoiler title</b><div>Some spoilery content.</div></div>
See here for a detailed explanation and caveats.

If you would like to be banned to avoid anonfailing please leave a comment at the rules post here: http://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/1076.html

Next post: Will open when this post hits 6000 comments
Previous post: https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/281450.html
Regular view - First page: https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/281691.html
Regular view - Last page: https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/281691.html?page=1000
Top Level view - First page: https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/281691.html?view=top-only#comments
Top Level view - Last page: https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/281691.html?view=top-only&page=1000#comments
Flat view - First Comment: https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/281691.html?view=flat#comments
Flat view - Most Recent: https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/281691.html?view=flat&page=1000
Dememe flatview emulator is at http://dememe.info/flat_view (same login as the regular Dememe info above).

 
A temporary ban on 'Disruptive and Provocative Opinions' threads is now in force.

All discussion of Harvey Weinstein / sexual assault in Hollywood should go in one thread.

Dreamwidth has gone https on meme! Fix for DW Blocker - Fix for LJ New Comments

Happiest Place on Earth

Oct. 17th, 2017 01:40 am
[syndicated profile] ao3ds9_feed

Posted by <a rel="author" href="/users/eilu/pseuds/eilu">eilu</a>

by

Julian takes Garak to Disney World.

Words: 1395, Chapters: 2/2, Language: English

Kiss Me

Oct. 16th, 2017 10:47 pm
[syndicated profile] ao3ds9_feed

Posted by <a rel="author" href="/users/AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted/pseuds/AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted">AndYetNotBeingDisenchanted</a>

by

Garak worries about Julian.

Set During Season Five.

Words: 204, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Why Are You Walking Around Naked?

Oct. 16th, 2017 10:04 pm
[syndicated profile] ao3ds9_feed

Posted by <a rel="author" href="/users/Ameera/pseuds/Ameera">Ameera</a>

by

#86 "Why are you walking around naked?" prompt as requested by anon on tumblr.

Julian tries to deal with the Cardassian summer.

Words: 629, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 10 of Short Prompts from Tumblr

I'm Running Away

Oct. 16th, 2017 07:19 pm
[syndicated profile] ao3ds9_feed

Posted by <a rel="author" href="/users/Ameera/pseuds/Ameera">Ameera</a>

by

#40 "I'm running away" from prompt list as requested by anon on tumblr.

Zimmerman has discovered Julian's augmented status and the night before the report is made, Julian begs Garak to help him run away.

Words: 764, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 9 of Short Prompts from Tumblr

[ SECRET POST #3939 ]

Oct. 16th, 2017 06:45 pm
case: (Default)
[personal profile] case posting in [community profile] fandomsecrets

⌈ Secret Post #3939 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


More! )


Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 34 secrets from Secret Submission Post #564.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Steven Universe Everything Bagel Dog.

Oct. 16th, 2017 05:34 pm
full_metal_ox: (Default)
[personal profile] full_metal_ox posting in [community profile] thecookbook
(Source: Steven Universe #1, by Kali Ciesemier.)

Cartoon recipe for Steven Universe Bagel Dog.


(Transcript, for those not in a position to read the comic panel:

STEVEN: I can't decide! Do I want a bagel or a hot dog?
...Or both? Together?!

AN EVERYTHING BAGEL DOG!

To combine the power of BAGELS and HOTDOGS you need:

A bun
A dog
Cream cheese
1-2 thinly sliced scallions (careful!)
Garlic powder
Poppy seeds
Dried minced onion
Sesame seeds
Salt

1) HOT THE DOG! (heat according to package directions)
2) Toast the bun & schmear it with cream cheese--let it get MELTY
3) Add a pinch of each topping to taste!
4) ENJOY your decision (Steven further ponders, "...Should I add hot sauce to this?")

(Difficulty rating: 1 on a scale of 4; bear in mind that children are the primary target demographic.)

(Variant: some readers have complained that the recipe includes no actual bagel. The solution is simplicity itself: cut your hot dog in two crosswise and lay the halves in the shape of an equals sign atop an Everything Bagel as your bun.)

Fic Rec: Autumn in Wimpole

Oct. 16th, 2017 04:15 pm
[personal profile] rachelindeed posting in [community profile] 221b_recs
Title: Autumn in Wimpole
Author: currently anonymous (will be revealed on Oct. 31st)
Pairing: Holmes/Watson
Length: 2,100 words
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: none
Verse: ACD Books
Author's summary: Watson struggles to uncover a mystery in a seaside village. Holmes is less than helpful.

Reccer's comments: The ACD Holmesfest is underway with so many delightful entries already and more to come! While this comm has an open recs post for the fest, it's also nice to have some more detailed recs. So let me start by calling your attention to this unique and lovely piece.

Here is a glimpse of Holmes and Watson, on the cusp of retirement, making their way through what Watson considers a lack-luster investigation amid the chilly ambience of a seaside resort town well past its summer prime. The author creates the details of the scene - the emptying streets, the dusty police station, the cramped local pub, the dark cliffside path - with an excellent eye for the most telling details.

The real marvel, though, is the keen and convincing take this story offers on Holmes and Watson's relationship, obviously established for many long years and deeply imbued with both affection and irritation. It is comfortable and prickly, teasing and sharp, boring on one level while obviously content and loving in its fundamentals. Here are two men who have made a life together for so long that they get on each other's nerves precisely because they know each other so well and are so completely synchronous in their routines.

Heart-warming with a tinge of melancholy, this fic left me feeling as if I had gotten a realistic and affectionate glimpse at this couple who, even ensconced in the mild aggravations of daily life, clearly can't live without each other.

The Game is Afoot!

Oct. 16th, 2017 01:44 pm
holmesticemods: (Default)
[personal profile] holmesticemods posting in [community profile] holmestice
All assignments have been sent out! Please remember to respond to your assignment email to confirm receipt. If you haven't received your assignment, check your spam folder or trash, and then email the mods (holmesticemods at gmail) so we can troubleshoot what happened. If we don't hear from you, we will assume you can't play and we will send your assignment to pinch-hit.

Happy creating, and keep an eye out for upcoming volunteer posts for pinch-hitters and betas/Britpickers.

Profile

haikitteh: (Default)
haikitteh

January 2016

S M T W T F S
     12
3456789
10 111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31      

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 18th, 2017 08:28 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios